bittersweet jane

I dreamt of Papa. We were gathered around him...but I could recognize only Alex who was seated at the far end. In the scene was a single tree bearing lots of fruits of different sizes - the smallest fruit being the size of a blueberry and the biggest the size of a papaya - maybe you could find that only in heaven. He was letting us taste the little ones...I loved it! Then he asked if we wanted more. I raised my hand but instead of giving it to me he gave one the size of a green mango to Alex. He said "I'm giving this to the person who never stopped helping me...who never got tired of me." That was sweet I thought...but I really wanted to have more! :-) Then he picked the biggest one and came close to me. He said "The biggest one is for my daughter whom I really love." I began to sob and I kissed him several times on the cheek and told him "you just don't know how much I love you...but I really do...and I miss you so much"...then I woke up still with tears in my eyes and still sobbing...

There have been many recent nights when I cried myself to sleep thinking of Papa...feeling the pain of losing him...of not being able to completely show him I love him. I believe he was trying to console me...to tell me that he knew...and that it is time to let go.

I don't want to let go...I don't want the memories to fade...I don't want to forget...but maybe he wants me to...maybe it's time...